Hinge Prompt Answers

Trying to explain myself to complete strangers.

Photo by Pratik Gupta on Unsplash

MOST EMBARRASSING SONG ON MY SPOTIFY

I’m not really all that embarrassed about it but I listen to Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” more than any other person I’ve ever met.

WHERE TO FIND ME AT THE PARTY

You might not be able to find me at all. I tend to miss more parties than I attend these days. It’s not that I don’t appreciate them or generally enjoy them shortly after arrival, but sometimes anxiety gets in the way of my going in the first place. But if you show up and I’m there I’m probably either snacking aggressively or telling someone a stupid story like the one about the time I thought I had a chronic STD but it just ended up being a nickel allergy.

CRAZIEST OFFICE PARTY

There was an open bar and a blackout. (This was in my mid-20s, when I viewed open bars as challenges.) A responsible coworker of mine got me a car home and told the driver to text him when I made it. Instead, he got a text saying I got out of the car somewhere in Chinatown. I woke up in my bed in Brooklyn the next morning. To this day, nobody knows how I got there. There is no paper trail. I suspect dumplings were involved at some point, but I can’t say for sure.

DREAM DINNER GUEST

I don’t have enough confidence in my cooking to host the people I admire most. And I’m sure as hell not going to invite them over for takeout. (I tend to get in my own way when it comes to dream fulfillment.) Simple answer would probably be Hunter S. Thompson, though. Big fucking shocker there.

MY LAST MEAL WOULD BE

I can’t eat for days before a big business meeting, so I probably would’t have much of an appetite if I knew I was about to meet my demise. Unless I was stoned. Then I’d eat two chicken carbonara pasta bread bowls from Domino’s. Though I guess being high would freak me out about dying even more than I already would be. I’m overthinking this, aren’t I?

WORST IDEA I’VE EVER HAD

That’s a tough one because it’s impossible to truly know how some of my decisions have affected my life moving forward. Maybe ending certain relationships, but hey — that broken road has led me to this app, potentially so we can meet. Here’s hoping if we do I don’t fuck this one up, right?

I GOT DETENTION FOR

Making a “newspaper” during the fifth grade with a few of my friends that included some very vulgar language. They called my Mom, too. Fucking narcs. She was initially upset about my word choices but eventually admitted she was proud of the initiative I’d taken to make my own publication at age 11. Looking back on it, this is probably the instance in my life where I started to become addicted to seeking attention via the written word.

WEIRDEST GIFT I HAVE GIVEN OR RECEIVED

I broke up with someone around the holidays and she still sent me the gift she had already gotten me, which was a book about ranch dressing, one of my greatest passions in life. Accompanying said gift was a card with a cover that read, “I love the shit out of you.” The rest was blank.

THE HALLMARK OF A GOOD RELATIONSHIP IS

Lots of things but I feel like matching kissing styles is a must. Also an equal level of love, adoration and commitment. I’ve never experienced this, admittedly, but I bet it’d be amazing to like a person just as much as they like you.

WHAT I’D LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT YOU

When you wake up at 4 AM because you have to piss, what nagging thoughts keep you from falling back asleep?

THE WORKING TITLE FOR MY MEMOIR

It was “Two Heads, One Heart,” but I’ve changed it to “I Thought This Was Worth Sharing: Stories and Some Other Stuff About Love and Some Other Stuff.” And I’m working on it. Diligently. Seriously. I’m late in the editing stages. Should be available sometime in 2022 if all goes to plan.

PET PEEVES

It used to be when people would consistently confuse “your” with “you’re” and “there” with “their” but I realized I was being kind of a pompous dick about that sort of thing. I mean, I can’t even do basic math, so who am I to judge anyone about anything? One thing I do still get all annoyed about, though, is when people repeat the exact same sentiment someone else has just said but in a vaguely different way. You can just say something like, “I agree.” There is nothing wrong with that.

YOU SHOULD LEAVE A COMMENT IF

You want to exchange a few messages with the end goal being to figure out if we ever want to make a semi-earnest attempt to actually meet in real life.

FAVORITE DISNEY MOVIE

Peter Pan because I refuse to grow up and I wish I could fly — though I can see thinking the happy thoughts allegedly necessary to do so could sometimes be difficult for me.

MY DREAM JOB IF MONEY DIDN’T MATTER

I want to say I’d do something for the greater good but to be honest I’d just like to write books about whatever I want.

I’D DONATE A KIDNEY FOR

A stranger once I’m dead and gone. If you’re not an organ donor, why aren’t you?!

FACT ABOUT ME THAT SURPRISES PEOPLE

I used to be good at sports back in high school. Even played a little bit of college basketball before I finally got extremely tired of being yelled at by at-best mediocre grown men and quit — which happened to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I can still knock down a three-pointer, though.

MOST SPONTANEOUS THING I’VE DONE

One time I quit a job I hated with no immediate prospects to replace it, and last weekend I ate a chicken wing I had somehow dropped that had been sitting on my apartment floor for at least 12 hours. it’s a toss-up.

MY HAPPY PLACE

An all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet in the middle of some random-ass strip mall in rural Western Pennsylvania.

A LIFE GOAL OF MINE

To get some pleasant reviews on Goodreads. After getting a book published and put on on Goodreads.

I GEEK OUT ON

Books. Comedy. Magic: The Gathering.

ON MY BUCKET LIST

Somehow figuring out what if anything happens when and after we die, before I die.

MY SIMPLE PLEASURES

Whiskey and the sound of rain, real or manufactured.

NEXT VACATION I WANT TO GO ON

Somewhere, anywhere, that isn’t a work trip or a journey home to see my family in Pittsburgh. I love traveling for both of these things, but haven’t taken a “real” vacation since one of the Bush fellas was in office.

TYPICAL SUNDAY

There’s probably whiskey involved. Maybe a nap. The latter catalyzed by the former.

GO-TO KARAOKE SONG

“Your Hand in Mine” by Explosions in the Sky. The song has no words. But it’s interesting to see how people react — some freak the fuck out — when you choose a song and just stand up there and drunkenly sway for eight solid minutes. I’ve never made it to the end. It’s not really a joke that plays well for that entire amount of time.

MY GREATEST STRENGTH

Empathy and sensitivity. These double as my greatest weaknesses (and sometimes biggest annoyances). I also may be completely off-base here. Plenty of people might say i don’t have a sympathetic or empathetic bone in my body (and they’re idiots because those things don’t come from your bones). Maybe a lack of self-awareness is my greatest weakness. Short answer: I really have no fucking clue.

I DON’T ALWAYS STREAK BUT WHEN I DO

Nobody is all that happy about it.

WORST FAD I PARTICIPATED IN

Frosted tips.

I’M LOOKING FOR

Someone to complete me so I can stop relating to the U2 song “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”

NEVER HAVE I EVER

Been to Europe or officially lived with a partner.

I’M ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY BAD AT

Parallel parking. Luckily, I’m great with avoidance. So I just…don’t do it. Due to my living situations I’ve barely driven over the past decade, so it’s usually a non-issue.

MY CHILDHOOD CRUSH

Keri Russell. I’ve been pining for her for like 25 years. That’s weird to think about.

WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY

Maybe I’ll let you know when I figure that one out.

I GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE WHO

Get along with me. I’m pretty easy.

DATING ME LOOKS LIKE

Have you ever seen a Hieronymous Bosch painting? Okay. Envision one of those, but it’s staged in a modern dumpster. That is on fire. And full of Amazon boxes, notebooks riddled with nonsense, greasy takeout bags from fast food restaurants and empty half-gallon bottles of Jameson.

MY MOST IRRATIONAL FEAR

It used to be getting buried alive but then we were talking about it at work one day discussing this topic and my friend was like, “What about being dropped into the middle of the ocean at midnight?” and so now that’s way up there.

GROWING UP, I WANTED TO BE

A writer who also played in the NBA and sometimes moonlighted as a special agent in the X-Files division. One out of three ain’t bad, I guess.

GO-TO DISH TO COOK

A lackluster stir fry. But I put all my love into it. Whatever that even means.

LET’S DEBATE THIS TOPIC

Mayonnaise is the best condiment.

MY ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE PLAN

Honestly, I’d let them come and get me. Or I’d off myself first. Sometimes the best way to win is to quit. i say this now, but acknowledge it’s entirely possible my survival instinct would kick in and I would head to a bunker or whatever and try to figure stuff out. It’s kind of crazy to think that if this happened the things we worry about now, like work, etc., would be of absolutely no importance anymore. Zombies don’t care about advertising and there’d be nobody around to pay me to make a TV spot about crossbows or non-perishable food items.

FUN FACT ABOUT ME

I once almost made it through an entire episode of Ted Lasso without bursting into tears.

ONE THING I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT

My laptop. It’s kind of embarrassing how much time I spend hunched over in front of it.

SWIPE RIGHT IF

You know what anhedonia is and entails. Bonus points if you have experience fighting through it — though I also hope you don’t, for your sake.

IF YOU SAW THE TARGETED ADS I GET, YOU’D THINK I’M

Really into a branch of the armed forces as well as a running shoe brand. (I work in advertising and so end up searching stuff for my clients all the time and that affects my targeting.)

I KNOW THE BEST SPOT IN TOWN FOR

Absolutely nothing. I moved to Chicago a couple weeks ago without ever having stepped foot anywhere near it, let alone in it. All I know is what people tell me, and that’s mostly that it gets super cold and windy during the winter and that it’s a city famous for pizza that is more like a casserole, but that i’ll be chastised for saying as much. They also don’t put ketchup on hot dogs here, which weirds me out.

A SHOWER THOUGHT I RECENTLY HAD

“I’d better not fall down in here.” I live alone and work from home in a city where I don’t know many people, so I don’t know how long it would take until somebody would wonder, “Where is Scott? I wonder if he’s okay.” Then I thought, “Maybe I should get a Life Alert.”

A RANDOM FACT I LOVE IS

Raccoons are clairvoyant and also the only animals in existence including humans that have been proven to have actual souls. (Neither of these is true but if I’ve learned one thing in the past few years it’s basically that you can say whatever the fuck you want and call it a fact whether you believe it to be one or not. Facts no longer have any clout.)

A SOCIAL CAUSE I CARE ABOUT

Calming people who truly give a fuck about the Oxford comma.

ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU

Accept that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing about many if not most things, and that I don’t care about them, which is why I have no idea about them, and that I’m probably not going to change, though I will on occasion make an effort to compromise.

AN OVERSHARE

I take pills for depression, anxiety, gout, high blood pressure and to (allegedly) prevent hair loss.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I

Am mostly self-sufficient.

BEST TRAVEL STORY

So I’m at the Denver Airport heading home from a business trip. My coworker had pre-check and I did not, so he went about his business and I went to hit the head before I got in the long security line. I did my business, washed my hands and when I went to toss my paper towel I saw an unopened bag of THC gummies in the bin. So I took them out, ate the entire thing and then went through security and onto my flight. I don’t know why I did this except I guess I don’t like to see things go to waste. And yes, flying when you’re absolutely ripped out of your gourd is just as frightening as you might think it would be.

CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT

Hiking being an actually fun way to spend your free time.

DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE THAT

There is no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.

DON’T HATE ME IF I

Sometimes want to (have to, even) spend time alone.

FIRST ROUND IS ON ME IF

You’re on a date with me. Chivalry’s not dead. On life support, maybe, but not dead.

GIVE ME TRAVEL TIPS FOR

Pleasuretown.

I BET YOU CAN’T

Fix me!

I GET ALONG BEST WITH PEOPLE WHO

Don’t try to fix me!

I GO CRAZY FOR

Could be anything, really. I don’t dictate it or have much control over it, which is definitely not not unsettling. My chemical imbalance is the one mostly in charge of that arena.

I RECENTLY DISCOVERED THAT

I’ve reached an age where I can (and do) occasionally injure myself while I’m sleeping.

I TAKE PRIDE IN

The fact that I never ask a question in the group chat that I can simply Google.

I WANT SOMEONE WHO

I ultimately end up loving more than I love mayonnaise. It’s a tall order, but I hold out hope that it’s possible.

I WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT

Bright Eyes and The National.

I’LL BRAG ABOUT YOU TO MY FRIENDS IF

You like me.

I’M CONVINCED THAT

If I get Twitter famous or at least get to be in one of the cool Twitter cliques all of my problems will be solved in pretty short order.

I’M OVERLY COMPETITIVE ABOUT

Wing eating.

I’M WEIRDLY ATTRACTED TO

Yoga pants. There. I said it.

IF LOVING THIS IS WRONG, I DON’T WANT TO BE RIGHT

Mindless, maybe even terrible, sitcoms.

I’LL FALL FOR YOU IF

You look at me the right way, pretty much.

I’LL INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FAMILY IF

You put up with my shit for long enough.

I’M A REGULAR AT

The desk in my apartment. That’s about it.

I’M THE TYPE OF TEXTER WHO

Usually wants to immediately text you back a lengthy diatribe about the simplest comment or question but then thinks by doing so I might come off as being too thirsty, so I tell myself to hold off and then send the text pretty much right away anyway because I have no self control and am not great at playing it coy.

LET’S DEBATE THIS TOPIC

Lyrics are — though there are of course exceptions — more crucial than melody when it comes to music.

LET’S MAKE SURE WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE ABOUT

The sacred ritual of day drinking.

MY LOVE LANGUAGE IS

English. (I love myself and I hate myself.)

MY BIGGEST DATE FAIL

One time I was super nervous and I got way too drunk in an effort to compensate and become some sort of suave. Then I told a woman I thought I loved her. It was our first (and only) date.

MY IDEAL DATE FROM HOME

Sitting on the couch eating garbage food that we had delivered while drinking, smoking and watching Dateline. (Ask my ex-girlfriend and she’ll tell you I definitely think of this as ideal, because that was pretty much all I ever wanted to do when we were together. I’ve learned now that adding some variety to the mix is pretty important. Like a salad every now and then, or switching to 20/20.)

MY MANTRA IS

Drink. Cry. Shrug.

MY MOST CONTROVERSIAL OPINION IS

Peanut butter, pickle and mayonnaise sandwiches are delicious. Also, Chipotle’s not that great.

ONE THING I’LL NEVER DO AGAIN

Take myself too seriously. Set out to purposely hurt someone’s feelings if it’s a person I care about. Ask, “Who is that other woman in your profile picture, and does she happen to be available?”

SOMETHING THAT’S NON-NEGOTIABLE FOR ME IS

If you’re going to virtue signal then you must absolutely have to do things to back it up. Your saying you think or believe something isn’t going to change shit and you might throw something out while you’re trying to pat yourself on your own back.

TEACH ME SOMETHING ABOUT

Forging a lasting and healthy romantic relationship.

THE AWARD I SHOULD BE NOMINATED FOR

Softest boy.

THE BEST WAY TO ASK ME OUT IS BY

However the hell you want to if you’re beautiful, funny and cool. I’m not picky.

THE DORKIEST THING ABOUT ME IS

I absolutely love playing Magic: The Gathering.

THE SECRET TO GETTING TO KNOW ME IS

Probably just asking me about myself. i’ll talk about myself forever. But I’m the unreliable narrator of my own life story (we all are) so I’d also recommend spending some time around me to really get a feel for who I am.

THE WAY TO WIN ME OVER IS

I’m human garbage, as we’ve already covered, so probably the way to do so initially is to be, to me, extremely attractive. People love to act like they’re above the whole initial attraction thing but then you see them spray-n’-pray swiping on an app with rapidity, judging people on a couple pictures. And you don’t see them walking up to strangers in a bar to strike up a conversation if they’re not physically attracted to the person. It’s just the way it is. No shame in it. Them’s the breaks. I know I’m not the prettiest package in the aisle but to some I can still be a serviceable snack.

WE’RE THE SAME TYPE OF WEIRD IF

You can carry on a full conversation in Will Ferrell film quotes.

WHAT I ORDER FOR THE TABLE

I don’t pull that shit. I’ll make a suggestion or two, sure, but I’m not going to haul off and start ordering stuff for other grown-ass people.