Several Different Types of Disappointment

A dispatch from the Republic of Anhedonia.

When you get a text from an unknown number and hope it’s from a woman you shared your digits with on Hinge, but it’s just another spam political ad reminding you that the country’s democracy is mostly in shambles and that hell is empty and all the devils are here.

When your phone buzzes with a notification that you, again, hope has something to do with Hinge, and it’s just another notification from Domino’s, a brand you hear from more often than many of your dearest friends or family members, and you know you should just turn off the notifications, but it makes it easier to track your deliveries, which are more frequent than they should be.

When someone tells you they love your favorite band and you get all excited and start talking animatedly about them, only to discover that this person really only knows their most-popular song, which is, in your opinion, very far from their finest work.

When someone uses a term, idiom or phrase in an inaccurate way that can even skew to wildly inappropriate. An example: Someone saying they have a real “Sophie’s Choice” on their hands when they’re attempting to select which item they want to go with from the Jimmy John’s menu. (if you don’t know the origination of “Sophie’s Choice,” look it up. This will make more sense.)

When you finally get your GrubHub order and it’s missing an item (they forget the beverage at least 65 percent of the time) or, even worse, completely incorrect, leaving you in a crestfallen state even though you are able to secure a refund without too much hassle. It’s just, you were really looking forward to those dumplings. They really complete a meal. And now there’s a dietary void in your lineup that cannot be filled with the egg rolls that were erroneously included instead. But then you still eat the egg rolls, even though they weren’t exactly what you wanted, and you’re already full.

When they say your GrubHub order has been delivered and it’s not at your door and the picture they took of the multiple bags of greasy food is on the ground in front of someone else’s door. Then, just as you’re about to call customer service and raise holy hell, you find that you accidentally sent the food to the address of a woman you have recently split the sheets with, and have to live with the fact that she now knows you’re “coping” with things by ordering more Whoppers than you care to publicly quantify. (Which is to say one. More than one Whopper is never necessary. But sometimes you need an extra or two or several for comfort, to help you get through the long lonely night.)

When your friend cancels plans at the last minute and you want to be upset about it but you’re not, and then you start to spiral about how detrimental it may ultimately be to your well-being and life in general if you continue to prefer to be alone and not make much of an effort to enter a healthy relationship, be it romantic or friendly.

When you hear from someone you mostly hoped you’d never hear from again, but then it stirs up some long-dormant emotions you’re not at all comfortable with, and you spend the next fortnight or so trying to decide whether or not you should respond. And if so, with what.

When you give a book a chance and you’ve gotten about 100 or so pages in but still do not find it appealing, yet you for some reason decide to power through because you have a difficult time leaving things unfinished. Then you slog through the whole thing over time and come out of it beating yourself up because you don’t understand why you’re compelled to live your life this way, why you can’t just let things go like a normal person, and have now wasted your time on some lackluster literature when there are so many amazing books you can read and content you can consume and you only have one lifetime to do it.

When you head to the fridge for an ice cold Coke Zero and realize you have run out of chilled ones and so you hit the pantry for one to save the situation then open your freezer to find out you’ve run out of ice. Then you start to contemplate why you can’t stay on top of stocking your daily wares and refilling a goddamn ice tray whenever you should just take a quick second and do it.

When you’re halfway to the airport for a flight to commence a long trip and realize you have forgotten your earbuds and have no backups in your backpack, and nearly have a minor panic attack at the prospect of raw-dogging your airborne sojourn. This to add to the disappointment you’re feeling that you’re going on some random trip alone because you had PTO to use or lose before the end of the year and had already booked the week off to go on an all-inclusive trip with the person who is now your ex.

When you go into a meeting optimistically (for some reason) hoping you’ll get praise and accolades or at least something mostly approved, but you get negative feedback that feels like a dick-punch to your psyche instead.

When you get into an impromptu sexting session a few minutes after you’ve taken an edible and it kicks in about halfway, rendering you nearly completely incoherent, let alone capable of continuing to type up something sexy, and then not only is the sexting session ruined, but so is your high because you’re getting all in your own head about how you fucked it up by getting fucked up and worry you’ll never get a semi-nude photo sent to you ever again.

When you’ve unsubscribed from an annoying email list from a brand that hits you up way more than it should only to get another email from the brand confirming that you have unsubscribed from getting emails even though everybody knows nobody unsubscribes by mistake and that sending further correspondence is counterintuitive and kind of passive-aggressive.

When you realize you get ghosted by potential romantic interests just about as often as you get ghosted by job recruiters, which is to say a lot — like, plenty to really mess with whatever confidence you still find yourself clinging to both socially and professionally.

When you figure out you can no longer do even the most basic forms of math without using your phone or asking Alexa or Google to do it for you.

When you tell yourself over and over you’re going to stop spending so much money on dumb shit that you don’t need that is bad for you but then you get stoned and lose all self-control and purchase a package of 90 Airheads even though you live alone and get maybe five trick-or-treaters.

When you wake up from a restless slumber catalyzed by a funky or terrifying dream and hope you can fall back into a more comfortable sleep for a while, but you look at the clock and it’s like two minutes before your alarm goes off.

When you’re not trying as hard as you can or should but you can’t bring yourself to really care all that much, despite the fact you’re worried that your lack of care or less-than-impressive performance will almost absolutely bite you in the ass somehow, someway, down the line.